It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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