dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
