I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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