I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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