Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I just had sex on a roof
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
