So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
