I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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