take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
