i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
