I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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