consequently i now know what mace tastes like
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
