There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
