If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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