So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
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Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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