There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
