I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Randomize
