Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
