omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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