All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
