the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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