I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
