Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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