two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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