Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
