do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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