I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
