Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
