Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
he was CRYING into my vagina
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
