seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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