I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
we should paint friendship bongs
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
