Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I'm both gender and math confused
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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