i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Can I color on your dick again?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
