it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
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It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
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When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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