My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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