Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
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i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
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I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
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