I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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