You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
