Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
