I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
