sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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