I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
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