He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
