Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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