he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
