well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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