your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I wish i was in the wii world.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
