how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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