I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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