Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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