I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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