If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
