Just cropdusted the office
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
