Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
