sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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