When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I need to calm my uterus...
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
